I thought this trip would be a helpful, refreshing thing that would broaden my passions and revitalize my happiness in lide. The truth of the matter is, ever since coming home from freshman year, I have been getting into a more withdrawn emotional state. I wanted to hide away from the world for awhile, not even talking to my closest friends. What provoked this desire? One thing was my stepdad’s unwelcome demands and expectations of me.

Considering my own expectations for this trip, and all the excitement I had around it, I truly thought it’d be the chance and adventure of a lifetime to become closer with one of my best friends and create even new ones. So far, I’m on the edge with both of those, as a result of my abrasive behavior in response to certain situations in addition to all of the drama surrounding it that I did not cause.

At this point, I feel like withdrawing more than ever and even the closest person I have here hasn’t made it better, he’s only contributed to it. Regardless, I don’t like blaming all of my problems on other people. I worsened some of it myself by acting out of anger and out of logic.

These problems are not exactly new. They did not just arise at the start of summer or the start of this trip. I’ve had my own mental problems for awhile now. If anything, they flared up again this summer.Normally, I have been able to cope with them very well with little difficulty. These angry little outbursts I have though, are new. I only act this way when I cannot cope and when situations provoke it, whether intentionally or not. The events that went down tonight only contributed to my anger and did not make it better.

I have been under much anxiety from the rushed workload here already. I have been under 6 hours of sleep for at least 3 days in a row. It is messing up my sleep cycle and my mood. I am having a harder time dealing with my problems. On top of that, the new drama that keeps flaring up in my group does nothing to make it better. I already had a bad Florence trip. I am in fear of our Naples trip.

I am away from all of my closest friends. I need Ryan and Tommy to vent to. I don’t know if I can trust Kristina because I fear she will judge me. I know I’ve helped/supported her through much of her own mental problems but I don’t know if she’d return the favor because she can be a judging person. I have to help Stephen through this rough trip for him. He has done little to make it better for me considering he is the source of most of the drama. Though to be frank, my own anger and emotions haven’t exactly made it better for him as well, even though I help him most of the time.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I need a break. I need to smile. I want to cry my eyes out but I can’t. I can only feel anger and happiness. I’m sorry everyone.

I can’t deal with more drama. I need to get my mental health back on track. I just wanna forget last night. I’m so exhausted. I’m exapserated. I’m just sorry. Fuck everything. I’ll trt my best to enjoy the rest of this trip, let alone summer.

I wonder if I truly have depression or if I just have normal anxiety. But normal anxiety shouldn’t make you feel like you don’t wanna be alive at times.

Have I grown so accustomed to putting up so many facades that they’ve now created a duality within me? One side being the me that feels anxiety all the time, the other side being the me that’s always bright and exuberant? I wonder which side is the real me and which is the facade.

I don’t ever wanna visit a therapist because I hate opening up to people I don’t feel close with.

I wouldn’t wish how I feel onto anyone. I wish I didn’t feel so broken and split at all. I wish I could just be the side of me that’s always happy. Maybe if I got more and more used to acting that way, I’ll easily become it completely….but the bottom line is, I can’t ever deny when I feel sad. In hindsight…facade isn’t the right word to use to describe my dichotomy — because I always genuinely feel the emotion at feel that moment.

Perhaps I’m just easily upset. Maybe I just really don’t know right now and shouldn’t dwell on it.

I go back and forth between feeling like I  have all the love in the world right down to feeling like I’m the most unwanted person around whose not worth anyone’s while. I’m not sure if I’m just needy, ungrateful,  or down right sick in the head. How am I supposed to take these 3 weeks off to recollect myself when I’m not even having a good time at home. Everyone’s probably having a ball. Why do I feel like in the end I have no one? All I think I have are my new college friends and my mom, but even then, those same friends all have people to go home to that they are truly happy to see. I guess I’m used to my own loneliness, but it doesn’t mean I’ve grown accustomed to the sadness or the pain.

Sometimes I feel like I’m such a burden to the people, friends and family, around me. I’m not sure to what extent I can show my gratefulness or appreciation sometimes. Sometimes I just feel like such a burden overall that I’d rather not be around.