I wonder if I truly have depression or if I just have normal anxiety. But normal anxiety shouldn’t make you feel like you don’t wanna be alive at times.

Have I grown so accustomed to putting up so many facades that they’ve now created a duality within me? One side being the me that feels anxiety all the time, the other side being the me that’s always bright and exuberant? I wonder which side is the real me and which is the facade.

I don’t ever wanna visit a therapist because I hate opening up to people I don’t feel close with.

I wouldn’t wish how I feel onto anyone. I wish I didn’t feel so broken and split at all. I wish I could just be the side of me that’s always happy. Maybe if I got more and more used to acting that way, I’ll easily become it completely….but the bottom line is, I can’t ever deny when I feel sad. In hindsight…facade isn’t the right word to use to describe my dichotomy — because I always genuinely feel the emotion at feel that moment.

Perhaps I’m just easily upset. Maybe I just really don’t know right now and shouldn’t dwell on it.

I go back and forth between feeling like I  have all the love in the world right down to feeling like I’m the most unwanted person around whose not worth anyone’s while. I’m not sure if I’m just needy, ungrateful,  or down right sick in the head. How am I supposed to take these 3 weeks off to recollect myself when I’m not even having a good time at home. Everyone’s probably having a ball. Why do I feel like in the end I have no one? All I think I have are my new college friends and my mom, but even then, those same friends all have people to go home to that they are truly happy to see. I guess I’m used to my own loneliness, but it doesn’t mean I’ve grown accustomed to the sadness or the pain.

Sometimes I feel like I’m such a burden to the people, friends and family, around me. I’m not sure to what extent I can show my gratefulness or appreciation sometimes. Sometimes I just feel like such a burden overall that I’d rather not be around.